The best DIY toy story party!!! 

I am so so so happy with how this all came together and turned out. I’m usually so hard on myself and so critical but this time I think I may have even impressed myself. So many hours go into these type of DIY parties. So just want you to be aware in case anyone wants to try it. The planning alone before you even do anything takes many hours. I gather my inspiration from the movie or show the party is centered around #1!!! I obsess over getting the details just right. I also often use pinterest of course, google, and instagram for ideas and inspiration and always put my own spin on things.

For this party I used the same peppa pig sky (see previous party blog) but I redid the clouds into the signature toy story clouds instead. I found a free stencil online through pinterest and my mother in law and I designed them. 

I swore these dogs were going to be the death of me but I refused to give up. They took 2 hours, many tries, and lots of frustration so be warned. They are just so darn cute though, yummy too, they were a huge hit! They are made of twix bar for the body, chocolate chips for the feet, a kiss for the head, candy eyes, tootsie rolls for the ears and eyes and black icing for the nose.

I could not get the head to stay attached so I did finally secure it with a toothpick and thats what I recommend. Of course as I did, let your guests know. 

I was surprised how easy it is to sculpt things out of tootsie rolls. Once I got the hang of the right size proportion the ears and tail were easy. I attached the eyes and ears with a little chocolate icing.

The food labels are absolutely adorable and made by the lovely small shop @sarahfinndesign which you can find on Instagram or etsy. She even added that awesome toy story font for me! 

The aliens are made of giant marshmallows, green melting chocolate, candy eyes, and decorative sticks. They were cheap, fun, and super quick and easy to make. Just melted the chocolate, covered marshmallows, then stuck on eyes.

The rock candy was from party city. Did anyone else love this as much as I did as a kid? It’s old school. I’ll be honest, none of the kids liked it. But I did hear a rumor they’re great in alcoholic drinks. Anyway, they sure we’re cute if you ask me.

 I also made Jessie’s lassos. I thought it would be easy but the pull and peel twizzlers actually weren’t nearly as flexible as I expected and once I molded them they didn’t want to stay put. Besides I kept worrying they looked like nooses…just me? Lol! They were also pretty quick easy and yummy.

Last but not least with the food, the cake was done by the incredibly talented @cakealicious as seen on tv, local here in williamsburg and can by found on Instagram as well. We simply added the buzz on top and I think it was perfect! Very rich and tasty too. 

For this party I came up with and handmade the games as well. They were seriously so much fun! My favorite games was “theres a snake in my boot” super cute and as easy as I sounds. I borrowed boots and bought a pack of snakes off amazon. The kids stood back and tried to make it in the boots.

My mother in law (the same super talented one who made the infamous peppa house, see previous party blog) made the crane game from the movie. We made it as close to the real game in the movie as possible. It turned out awesome! She hand drew and cut the rocket, painted it with spray paint and attached the letters. She made the hole and attached a box to the back.

We used a claw from target. We filled the box with squishy balls and a plush jessie, buzz, and woody. The goal of the game was to get woody or buzz, just like the movie. I couldn’t find those dang alien’s anywhere! 

The third game was parachute army men, also found on amazon. They were dropped down to the stairs and trying to aim for the bullseye. The bullseye was cut out of cardboard and painted. 

We had prize boxes filled with neat toy story trinkets from party city. After each game you got to pick a prize and collect them in your party favor bag.

Some of my favorite parts of this party were the subtle decor touches. I tied army men to a fishing line like they were climbing just like the movie. I dangled the red barrel of monkeys from my bar. I set out Mr and Mrs potato head, and woody and buzz we already owned.

I made two different doorway entrances out of streamer. One was buzz lightyear and one was woody. 

We also got this giant buzz balloon from amazon the kids loved and had so much fun with. It’s much cheaper to order a ballon like this on amazon and pay party city to fill it with helium. 

Oh my goodness I almost forgot etch a sketch!!! I found these incredibly precious free etch a sketch printables from pinterest. I attached the little ones to pez containers that said “Thank you for coming” and each child got to choose one. There were also a couple more surprises in there goodie bags besides all the prizes they won and I thought that was a neat way to do it, everyone loved that.

The perfect party for my sweetest boy!!! Parties like this are such hard work!! But so worth it in the end, so special and rewarding. I sure hope you enjoyed this! I’m more then happy to respond to any questions or comments, you may leave them below. And I would love if you subscribe to the blog and follow us on instagram @sweetest_shiloh. I am so passionate about party planning!! It’s a creative artsy outlet I throughly enjoy and who knows, maybe I’ll make a bussiness out of it someday.

Thanks for reading!!! ❤❤❤


The Ultimate DIY peppa party!!!

My kids birthdays are super important and such a big deal to me. I go all out for every one, every year. What I may lack in finances I make up for in creativity, hard work and blood, sweat, and tears. This year my budget was extremely small and im quite proud of what I was able to pull off. I want to share in hopes others will find inspiration and be able to use some of my ideas to make their peppa parties as special as my girls was! Anyone can do it with my step by step guide.

The main center piece of the party was this area above. I got a large piece of cardboard and spray painted it blue. I was unsure of how it would turn out at first but pleasantly surprised at how well painted cardboard turns out, I did a few coats, of a good quality spray paint from lowes with primer. The clouds I drew freehand then cut out of scrapbook paper and attached with double sided tape, same with the sun. I tried to get it as close to the peppa sky as I possibly could.

I also free hand cut rain drops out of scrapbook paper, made them double sided, and hung them by fishing wire, tied to the ends of the peppa umbrella I bought at party city for the effect below. Of course during the party it was centered. 

The green table cloth was picked to give a grass type effect, the plates, hats, napkins were punched from party city. All the extra peppa plushes and figurines you see all through out the pictures are from her collection she already owned so that worked out nice. I thought the rain boots were a cute touch, she already owned those as well so things with no extra cost is great. The pinwheels were  a bit of a splurge I couldnt resist, you can decide a couple things to splurge on, its totally okay. It absolutely completed the look for me, was the perfect finishing touch and is something I will save and reuse in the future. The pinwheels garland was handmade from a small shop on instagram called @muffinbubdolls 

The cute food labels were also purchased from a small shop on instagram called @sarahfinndesign they were so well made and super easy for me, all I had to do was print them out. She even let me customize my characters because I can be a little bit weird about all party details being accurate to the show/movie. Anyone who loves peppa as much as my kids do will appreciate grampy rabbits love for cheese.

The pig noses were a cute and super simple thing the kids got a kick out of. I simply cut out and painted egg cartons. Hole punched and and glued on the nostrils and hole punched and tied a ribbon to each side to be tied on the head of kids and adults for pictures and fun. Another thing I like to do is make Shiloh her own hashtag for her birthday each year and it’s a nice way to keep her memories organized and a fun way to share.

Im really kicking myself for not getting better pictures of these but I purchased brown felt in bulk from amazon and traced and cut out big and little muddy puddles. Non skid pads were then sewed to the bottom to prevent falls. I scattered them around my house so kids could jump in muddy puddles.

This is quick, cheap, simple and always a huge hit, just tape strips of streamer to the door way for kids to run through.

The activities were very simple since my daughters only 2, homemade playdough and peppa cookie cutters from etsy were so much fun!

For the very first time this year I tried a ballon drop. The drop bag itself was from party city and a huge disappoint as far as design and practicality are concerned. The ballons I bought in bulk on amazon, I bought 50, they arrived with holes and paint stains and we’re extremely weak, we only ended up with maybe 25 the day of the party. We did blow them up with an air compressor which saved a lot of time and effort.

The kids loved it, so that’s all that matters in the end. All I can say is be prepared that some things will fail, out of your control, so don’t save anything until the last minute.

The absolute hands down best part of the party was our life size peppa house! Which I can take no credit for but I had such a good team. My mother and father in law constructed it (a few times until it was just right) out of cardboard, heavily reinforced with lots of duct tape. 

The house was definitely a labor of love, definitely the hardest part. We wanted it as accurate to peppa sky house as possible. As well as big enough for her and her brothers to actually play in and most importantly durable. 

Everything is made of paper, hand cut, including the grass, isn’t my mother in law amazing? It took hours. But came out so perfect! 

The peppa characters themselves are a wall sticker we found online.

The house was everyones favorite part and something the kids still play with daily. It’s all made from cardboard, paper, double sided tape, talent, patience and love.

The cake was another splurge, so worth it! I’m good with snacks and candy and all those handmade things but terrible at cakes. Weve never gotten this fancy of a cake before but im sure glad we did. It was from Cakealious. Very cute and yummy!

Shilohs special birthday outfit is from @brassrazoo who you can find on Instagram. I found is second hand for an amazing price and always wanted one so I was super thrilled when I found it. Her floral crown was custom made to match by the incredibly sweet and talented small shop @thefloweredfawn on instagram who I love so much!

That sums it up! It’s something I absolutely love doing and sharing. I’m more then happy to answer questions or comments. If there’s much interest in this I have previous parties im happy to share like my son’s cowboy party, my daughters hollywood party, and even, the hardest one I’ve ever had to pull off the dirty jobs party. Up next week is my son’s Toy Story party which I’m currently working on. Wish me luck. Thanks for stopping by!!

Adult on set lonliness epidemic 

We have a real problem in the world today. Its lonliness. I have a theory as to why has become such an epidemic. 

One problem is technology. We’ve removed all human involvement right out of the world. Online banking, robotic phone systems, self check out, online shopping, grocery delivery, social media. You could go the rest of your life without having to actually see or speak to a human being. This is not only terrifying. It takes a toll after a while and leaves us all feeling lonely.

Theres no real friends anymore.

Now the church will sell you “friends” for the low low price of 10% of your wages, these people will sure chat you up on sunday and “pray for you” but don’t expect anything more.

Of course there is online “friends” twitter, facebook, instagram, snapchat, etc and in those communities we are not lacking. In those communities most of us are rich with friends in abundance and i dont want you to think im saying this is a bad thing. I adore my online friends. It is good, but is it good enough? If I have over 2k instagram followers and hundreds of facebooks friends why am I still so damn lonely.

If only I was one of the popular kids. I didnt think in adulthood it would matter anymore but I didn’t have many friends then and i still dont now. The popular kids who had a million friends then, still have a million friends now and they look so damn happy. Ive always had a small handful of friends and the truth is when life got hard, really hard, most of them disappeared. Not that I claim to be perfect myself either.

Marraige can sometimes leave us more lonely then not. We watch separate tvs, in seperate rooms, on separate floors, on separate smart phones and wonder why marriages fail.

Are we too busy?

Were all doing our own thing, weve got kids, marriages, school, homework, gymnastics, baseball, meetings, appts, and we are all so incredibly self involved I suppose there is no time left. 

What about family? Well its not that simple for all of us. Certainly not for me. Broken home, divorced parents, drug addict dad (who kicked me off his door step the last time I tried to visit and let him meet his granddaughter) absent, self proclaimed career woman mom (who “never wanted” to be a mom) half sisters and brothers, most of whom I don’t talk to, from different dads and moms all over the united states. For me, there is no family. 

Then there are the friends that hurt. Is it worth the risk? Im sure some would say they dont have anymore room in their hearts for the hurt. They get enough of that in their marriage, by thier kids, etc. Humans, in general, are generally not good to eachother. But, they are all we got. And some people are genuinely good, I refuse to give up on that.

I guess for some of us this is it. Perpetual lonliness. Theres no way to really make friends as an adult. Not if you move as much as me, dont work outside the home, didnt attend college. How does one make friends as an adult? No really. I dont want to be a shut in, I want to do life with others, desperately. I could be a damn friend one if given the chance. You dont get a do over on your parents, you cant pick your family, but you can pick your friends, so I guess what im saying is can this be as easy as it was on the preschool playground? Hi, my name is Amber, will you be my friend?

Parenting with anxiety

Ive been feeling the strongest urge to write about parenting through anxiety thinking it would be healing to me and helpful to others. But writing about anxiety, gives me anxiety. My spells with anxiety seem to come and go in waves. Not to say sometimes I dont have it at all. But sometimes its tolerable and sometimes its unbearable. It is pretty much exclusively based around my kids. I can explain it as feeling like I cant breathe, cant sleep. This feeling of a block, cant do or handle certain things because the anxiety is just that strong. Its a very difficult thing to describe. The severity and how deeply it effects every day life. The best thing I can do is try to give some actual examples of how my mind works and what typical everyday scenarios are like for me. Truly seperating from my kids is a big one. I cry every morning I send my oldest to school and next week my 4 year old starts and that feels unbearable due to the worries, fears, and anxieties  I have.

Its hard enough for me to send them to school, my anxiety plays out like this, school is a very dangerous place. Theres school shootings every 5 seconds, molesters, rapists, kidnappers. Kids being stolen and sold are slaves, sex slaves. This doesnt just happen in foreign counties, this happens in all of our cities. Bullies who force kids into killing themselves daily. Kids are horrible and mean to each other. They torture eachother all day everyday and no one does anything to stop it and kids dont come home and tell their parents so nothing ever gets resolved and things always end badly. There are people, real actual people in this world, bad people, tons of them who will grab a kid and force them to live in a dog crate or a shed. There are cults, there are corrupt teachers, principles, cops. The world is a bad place. Its no place for kids. There is nothing I can do to keep them safe enough. Yet, I send them to school, despite all this, because I have too.

Then they are expected to ride the school bus because we are a one car family and my husband works mornings. The wave of anxiety over the school bus is where it becomes almost unbareable. I literally have not slept in a week because of anxiety over the school bus. The number of things that are unsafe and or can go wrong on a school bus are endless. There is one driver, who is clearly busy driving, and a bus full of kids, not in seat belts and left to there own devices. As a result kids take advantage of the situation and get in horrific fights on the school bus, tons of fights, abuse physical, mental, emotional, psychological. This is a place where no one can stop them and no one can hear them. This is a place where no one hears the victims plea. And when and if anyone ever finds out about any bad incident its too late. This is the stuff you see on the internet all day everyday of a school bus video of a little girl being held down and molested in the back row. Or kids crowding around blocking and covering for the small kid whos being badly beaten. If the kids arent an issue then youve got underpaid underappreiciated bus drivers who are often disgruntled, angry, tired. Things they take out on children and they are often bullies themselves. Ive heard plenty of stories of bus drivers falling asleep on the road, bus drivers texting and driving, getting in careless accidents. Bus drivers driving far to fast, being completely careless and reckless getting in accidents with a bunch of little children who are not in car seats, boosters, or even seat belts. I could go on for hours about my fears and concerns over schools and the bus. Then my neighborhood takes it to a whole new level. My bus stop is literally located outside my neighborhood, on a busy main highway where cars drive 55+ miles an hour. Can you imagine what a scenario like this does to an anxious mind. There is one small strip of grass between my precious babies and that highway. Accidents happen, all day, every day. People text and drive, facebook, snapchat, and drive and one wrong swerve, one millisecond of a mistake and kids on that bus stop are dead. People drink and drive, people are overly exsauted and drive, theres bad weather such as rain, flooding, ice, snow, black ice that affects roads and could cause a driver to run into this group of kids. It is so incredibly unsafe and my problem with this world is no one cares. Not the right people anyway, no one in charge that can do anything about it. There are plenty of parents in my boat who are concerned and frustrated but no one hears them. The only time this world comes to action is when someone dies. If a kid dies on that bus stop things will change in a heart beat and changes will be made instantly. But until something bad happens, nothing changes and thats where I call bullshit on this whole fucked up world and say we shouldn’t wait until its too late. The bus stop is 3 tenths of a mile from my house. May not sound like a lot but when you have a baby, a 4 year old, a 6 year old, 2 heavy backpacks, 2 heavy lunches, you get the idea. Its an especially unbareable walk in the extreme heat, or harshly cold winter days. Im not the only parent with this problem and some parents have worse problems, like this one, they have to work. So they have to send there kid off to walk 3 tenths of a mile where god only knows what could happen. They could be abducted, beat up, picked on, molested, held hostage, robbed, kidnapped, raped. They could very easily be hit by a car, they could fall and break a bone and it would be a long time before help would come. Again, I could go on all day about the things that could go wrong on this long walk.

Im sorry, im done writing this cuz I cant even handle facing or voicing my own thoughts anymore. But if at least everyone gets a 100% honest glimpse into the anxious mind. To know they are not alone. To know someone can relate and understand. Maybe a friend or family member of a person with anxiety will read this and finally understand and be more able to sympathize and help. That would make it all worth it. I dont have any helpful tips for living or parenting with anxiety except this, GET HELP, REACH OUT. DONT IGNORE IT, IT WONT GO AWAY, IT WONT GET BETTER OVERTIME. Not only help from professionals although thats needed, medicine, and therapy. These things are crucial! Also help from family, friends, in laws, neighbors, anything. Dont go through it alone. Keep saying it until you get the help and support you need, people may not get it right away. Keep speaking up until you are heard. Anxiety is so incredibly draining, exsauting, painful. You need days off, help with kids, rest when your overwhelmed, catch up on sleep, treat yourself. Do what makes your soul happy. Find what brings you peace. Take time for the things you enjoy. These things are necessary for survival please hear me on this. Please hear me when I say, YOU CAN DO THIS. IT WILL GET BETTER. I KNOW YOU ARE DOING YOUR BEST AND YOU ARE DOING GREAT. YOU ARE NOT ALONE IN THIS.

This world truly is a scarey place, you see that all day everyday on news, on internet. Where the line is drawn between these fears are legitimate and these are things that really happen that my kids need protection from and thats my anxiety taking over is the ultimate struggle for me. Learning, trying, fighting through everyday. Doing my best, its all we can do afterall. Hoping my story will help others.

Last baby, only girl 

Shiloh is such an emotional topic for me on so many levels. Shiloh is my last baby. She is also my first and only girl. Having a girl brings back a lot from my past and my childhood for some reason. For my girl life will be different. I will protect her! I will nurture her, love her, cherish her. I will build her self esteem and makes sure she knows her worth. I will teach her to love herself and to always remember that she teaches people how to treat her. I will teach her to guard her heart but to not be afraid to love and let go. I will teach her she matters, she is heard, I care about every single thing she has to say. I will make sure she knows she can come to me anytime about anything. I will teach her to be strong and brave yet gentle and vulnerable. I will make sure she knows she doesnt have to conform to any gender role society tries to force on her.

 I remember the moment they annouced shilohs sex in the drs office. I can feel all the feelings as if it was yesterday. When they told me it was a girl I screamed out in the most joyful cry of my life. I was balling on that table, I didnt care where I was or who heard me, I was lost in the moment, I was so incredibly and deeply happy to have a chance to raise a girl in this world. I love my boys, that goes without saying. But theres a different kind of love for my girl. I love each of my children in very unique and different ways, actually im always amazed at how much love my heart can actually hold without bursting.

 Theres the silly reasons a mom wants a girl, dress up, pedi dates, make up, shopping, etc. Im as thrilled about these things as any mom. She has been a brand rep on instagram since she was 4 months old so fashion she knows well. (There will be plenty of posts on repping and fashion in the future) The instagram community and brand repping saved me through the most horrific case of post pardum depression right after shilohs birth. Another thing we dont talk about anywhere near often enough but we should and we need to and I will soon. 

 Then there is the purely selfish reasons for wanting a girl, like living the childhood I always wanted but never got through her, having a chance to do it right, right the wrongs that were done to me. Then theres a whole other level to raising a woman into this world, the deep stuff, the impact she will have, the changes shes capable of making. The fact that she too will one day become a mom and raise children of her own, and will have learned how to be a mom from me. Its a lot yall. Its a lot.

 We are raising human beings, real people, its a lot to take in. You look at them as babies and kids and forget that I think sometimes. Its a scarey thought raising girls in todays world, it can be a scarey place for them but I will tell you this. The world will not change for your little girl, it is your job to prepare her for this world. Now for the fun part. Let me tell you a bit about Shiloh. She is only 18 months old so I dont know all that much about her just yet but some things have been crystal clear since birth. Shiloh is fierce, sassy, she holds her own and takes no ones shit. These are things I love so very much about her and I would never want to tame her. She is very cautious and careful with who she has relationships with, I hope thats a lifeling trait. She absolutely adores her big brothers.

She lights the room with her smile when she sees them. She freaks out in excitement anytime they come around even if she saw them 2 mintutes prior. They also love her deeply, deeply! They have an intense  drive to protect her and keep her safe. Another thing I hope lasts forever! 

She is absolutely hilarious, FULL of personality. Non verbal yet blows my mind how well she communities. When she loves she loves hard. When shes pissed, you will know it, shes not afraid to scream or throw something. Shes a wild one!

 Shes always happy, sweet and loving as she can possibly be. Such a special sweet heart. I love her more then words could ever explain. Shes my girl.

Shilohs IG: @sweetest_shiloh 

First child vs third child

What you are about to read is true examples from my real life. I think it would be fun if everyone adds a comment of their own vs. example. Do not worry, this is a judgment free zone.

First child vs third child…

1) Organic cotton wipes from wipe warmer


3) Any wipes on clearance


1) Homemade from scratch sauce and organic noodles 


3) Ramen noodles


1) Classical music only 


3) Gangsta rap, hardcore, whatever 


1) Wooden, non toxic paint toys only


3) Rocks, spoons, bottle caps


1) No dyes, hormones, gmos, artificial flavors, etc


3) Only eat food found on floor when its semi clean


1) Mamas milk exclusively until 1 1/2 years, NO WATER


2) Mamas milk with a side of ice cubes


1) Bath with organic homeopathic soap after touching any and every germ


2) Eats dirt, baths occasionally


1) Nurses with cover in bathroom


3) Whips a boob out anywhere, anytime


1) Cries everytime someone looks at me wrong or possibly  judges me


3) Doesnt give a shit


1) Reads mimimum of 3 books before making any parenting decision 


3) Already knows EVERYTHING 

Introductions part 2 (The clown)

My second boy, Caleb, is our class clown. He is absolutely hilarious. He has me laughing all day everyday. I never have a clue what’s to come out of his mouth next, and I love that about him. He reminds us to enjoy life, dont take it too seriously. He is so darn cute, he still has that babyface. 

Hes my sweet little cuddle bug, total mamas boy. Hes fearless, adventurous, spontaneous, and bold. He almost never makes a straight face or normal smile for photos and I adore that!

His birth wasnt all happy, unfortunately it triggered my husband over the edge in mental illness. His first year of life was pure hell for our family as mental illness tends to be, I will explain that in detail later. The important thing to know about Caleb though is he is the most resilient, positive kid. He is the light of my life, I wouldn’t have made it through without him. One of my favorite things about Caleb is his speech. I dont know how to explain it, he clearly had some sort of delay and continues to work with speech therapists. I find it to be the most adorable, endearing thing. One day he will talk right and I will be a little sad. I love him just the way he is.

He suffers greatly from sensory processing disorder. It is a part of every second of every day of our lives. Noise bothers him, clothes bother him,tags bother him, socks bother him, pillows and sheets bother him, every kind of shoes you can think of bothers him. Hes extra sensitive to smells, heat, cold. Hes an extremely picky eater. He gets car sick every car ride and doesn’t enjoy any motion like others kids do, amusement park rides, swings, etc. Yes it is as heart breaking as it sounds. 

He is enrolled in the bright beginnings program and it has helped a great deal. If only I could take it all away for him, so he could enjoy life freely, with not a care in the world like the other kids. Dont worry about sweet Caleb though, nothing can get him down. He will do big things in life, and he will bring everyone he comes in contact with great joy as he goes. Thank you Caleb for being exsactly who you are and loving me so deeply and unconditionally. You will always be mamas boy.

Introductions (First born)


How do you share the story of your first born, how do you express the depths of the love in words. I know for a good 3 years after I had Malachi I had such powerful emotion towards him that every single time I thought about him or talked about him I cried. He was a huge surprise so im just gonna be honest and admit that. I remember calling my best friend before telling my then boyfriend, “Ive had 3 positive pregnancy tests, im scared to tell him, what if he leaves me.” Long story short he didnt leave me. But boy oh boy did life turn upside down fast. My sweet Malachi was born at 32 weeks. We dont know why and ive finally come to terms with the fact that we will never know why and it wasnt my fault. That was a guilt that tore my up inside daily until I realized that. He was only 4 lbs, couldn’t even breathe on his own and was immediately admitted in the NICU. Boy oh boy the NICU will really make or break you wont it? We spent 3 long weeks there. I spent every second I was allowed with Malachi, I remember there were two hours a day they were closed for shift change. That is when I ate, showered, and took power naps. The love is was so powerful, it took my breath away. My whole mission in life was to protect this baby. I quit college while in the NICU. My marriage was tested for thr very first time in the NICU. My husband dealt with the stress in a way that broke me, thank goodness I didnt find out until after we got out of the NICU. He wasnt there for me in a time I ever so desperately needed him, yet I suppose he did what he had to do. That was the first of many times I chose to stand by my man and decided marriage vows mean something.

Malachi is a fighter, strong, strong survivor. Kicked the NICUs butt. Of course we came home to find out the trailer we lived in had been over taken by mold while we were away due to cheap old windows not sealed properly. The mold destroyed EVERYTHING. That was the first of a few times we had to move in with justins parents. When I say we know poverty and homelessness I mean it. Malachi was the light of my life through it all. He gave me purpose, its like I wasnt really living before him. He was always happy, nothing ever bothered him. His twos were far from terrible, threes are really the tricky times. Four is a dream. Age 4 is your prize for Surviving ages 2 and 3.

I tried home schooling him. I wanted that desperately and he did too as he suffered/suffers from anxiety. I failed. I dont make decisions for my children based on what I want, no matter how bad it kills me. I make decisions based on whats best for them only when I absolutely have to, but most often I believe in letting them make there own decisions in life. There came a point where home schooling wasnt working for either of us and off he went to kindergarten at 6 years old. He thrived. Life hit him hard again this year when he was diagnosed with “baby bipolar” or oppositional defience disorder and mood disregulation disorder. This has been as earth shattering as it sounds. It is a struggle every second of every day and a huge part of our life. Its impossible to be candid, open and honest about my family without sharing all of it. And I absolutely loathe the stigma on mental health and think its imperative that we talk about it.

Malachi is still the love of my life. He is thoughtful, protective, brave, caring, sweet, sensitive, smart. He keeps life interesting. Hes the love of my life. Hes an inspiration to me daily. Im quite sure he will never even fathom the depths of my love for him.

I love him so much it hurts, in so many ways. Like really hurts. Parenting is no joke yall. But its as they say, the days are long but the years are short. Hes starting first grade in a couple weeks. How did this happen?? I did ask him to stop growing up today, he said he would.

Hell fire and brimstone

20160810_083325Pretty sure ive heard that somewhere before. Thats what happened when I became an atheist. Kidding. Nothing happened and thats what my first blog is about. I didnt research, seek out, or even choose atheism its just something that happened to me. Same way I didnt choose poverty, mood and mental disorders, post pardum depression, sensory needs, or even parenthood. (All things I will discuss often in this blog. Although thats all still only a tiny part of my life and makes this blog sound very depressing and I promise you it will not be.) These things choose me for whatever reason. They make me and my family who we are and although theres so much more to us these things do shape us and I refuse to be ashamed.  I thought it would be this huge life changing event but it wasnt even close. I think its because were brainwashed to be so fearful of becoming nonbelievers and being damned to eternal hell. Juries still out as to whether or not thats the end result. Again, kidding. But I just want to say I think religion or lack there of is as okay to question and explore as anything else is. I cant pinpoint an exsact moment when I stopped believing. I know theres been a series of traumatic and unfortunate life events that probably paved the way. It hasnt changed anything. Good things still happen to us. Bad things still happen to us. Some days are happy, some days are sad, some days are hard, some days are harder, just as it always was. I still do the right thing. I still parent the exsact same way. I love and accept everything and everyone far more then ever before and thats refreshing and feels good. I dont let such petty things work me up and I am no longer obsessed with sin. Im overall less judgementental, more positive, and more free then ever. It feels good. Its something pretty new for us. I havent had any huge life changing discussion with my kids, truth is, I have no idea how. I dont want to effect their decision and right to free thinking in religion and what to believe or not believe any more then I dont want to sway them in anything in life. I happen to think there are much more important things in this life for me to model and teach them about. Such as compassion, empathy, acceptance. This is my first time discussing any of this “out loud” I have no idea why its so terrifying but I feel like it just may help others. You can believe or not believe anything you want in this life. The decision is yours.