Last baby, only girl

Shiloh is such an emotional topic for me on so many levels. Shiloh is my last baby. She is also my first and only girl. Having a girl brings back a lot from my past and my childhood for some reason. For my girl life will be different. I will protect her! I will nurture her, love her, cherish her. I will build her self esteem and makes sure she knows her worth. I will teach her to love herself and to always remember that she teaches people how to treat her. I will teach her to guard her heart but to not be afraid to love and let go. I will teach her she matters, she is heard, I care about every single thing she has to say. I will make sure she knows she can come to me anytime about anything. I will teach her to be strong and brave yet gentle and vulnerable. I will make sure she knows she doesnt have to conform to any gender role society tries to force on her.

 I remember the moment they annouced shilohs sex in the drs office. I can feel all the feelings as if it was yesterday. When they told me it was a girl I screamed out in the most joyful cry of my life. I was balling on that table, I didnt care where I was or who heard me, I was lost in the moment, I was so incredibly and deeply happy to have a chance to raise a girl in this world. I love my boys, that goes without saying. But theres a different kind of love for my girl. I love each of my children in very unique and different ways, actually im always amazed at how much love my heart can actually hold without bursting.

 Theres the silly reasons a mom wants a girl, dress up, pedi dates, make up, shopping, etc. Im as thrilled about these things as any mom. She has been a brand rep on instagram since she was 4 months old so fashion she knows well. (There will be plenty of posts on repping and fashion in the future) The instagram community and brand repping saved me through the most horrific case of post pardum depression right after shilohs birth. Another thing we dont talk about anywhere near often enough but we should and we need to and I will soon. 

 Then there is the purely selfish reasons for wanting a girl, like living the childhood I always wanted but never got through her, having a chance to do it right, right the wrongs that were done to me. Then theres a whole other level to raising a woman into this world, the deep stuff, the impact she will have, the changes shes capable of making. The fact that she too will one day become a mom and raise children of her own, and will have learned how to be a mom from me. Its a lot yall. Its a lot.

 We are raising human beings, real people, its a lot to take in. You look at them as babies and kids and forget that I think sometimes. Its a scarey thought raising girls in todays world, it can be a scarey place for them but I will tell you this. The world will not change for your little girl, it is your job to prepare her for this world. Now for the fun part. Let me tell you a bit about Shiloh. She is only 18 months old so I dont know all that much about her just yet but some things have been crystal clear since birth. Shiloh is fierce, sassy, she holds her own and takes no ones shit. These are things I love so very much about her and I would never want to tame her. She is very cautious and careful with who she has relationships with, I hope thats a lifeling trait. She absolutely adores her big brothers.

She lights the room with her smile when she sees them. She freaks out in excitement anytime they come around even if she saw them 2 mintutes prior. They also love her deeply, deeply! They have an intense  drive to protect her and keep her safe. Another thing I hope lasts forever! 

She is absolutely hilarious, FULL of personality. Non verbal yet blows my mind how well she communities. When she loves she loves hard. When shes pissed, you will know it, shes not afraid to scream or throw something. Shes a wild one!

 Shes always happy, sweet and loving as she can possibly be. Such a special sweet heart. I love her more then words could ever explain. Shes my girl.

Shilohs IG: @sweetest_shiloh 

First child vs third child

What you are about to read is true examples from my real life. I think it would be fun if everyone adds a comment of their own vs. example. Do not worry, this is a judgment free zone.

First child vs third child…

1) Organic cotton wipes from wipe warmer

 vs 

3) Any wipes on clearance

🙈

1) Homemade from scratch sauce and organic noodles 

Vs

3) Ramen noodles

🙉

1) Classical music only 

Vs

3) Gangsta rap, hardcore, whatever 

🙊

1) Wooden, non toxic paint toys only

Vs

3) Rocks, spoons, bottle caps

🙈

1) No dyes, hormones, gmos, artificial flavors, etc

Vs

3) Only eat food found on floor when its semi clean

🙈

1) Mamas milk exclusively until 1 1/2 years, NO WATER

Vs

2) Mamas milk with a side of ice cubes

🙉

1) Bath with organic homeopathic soap after touching any and every germ

Vs

2) Eats dirt, baths occasionally

🙊

1) Nurses with cover in bathroom

Vs

3) Whips a boob out anywhere, anytime

🙈

1) Cries everytime someone looks at me wrong or possibly  judges me

Vs

3) Doesnt give a shit

🙉

1) Reads mimimum of 3 books before making any parenting decision 

Vs

3) Already knows EVERYTHING 

Introductions part 2 (The clown)

My second boy, Caleb, is our class clown. He is absolutely hilarious. He has me laughing all day everyday. I never have a clue what’s to come out of his mouth next, and I love that about him. He reminds us to enjoy life, dont take it too seriously. He is so darn cute, he still has that babyface. 

Hes my sweet little cuddle bug, total mamas boy. Hes fearless, adventurous, spontaneous, and bold. He almost never makes a straight face or normal smile for photos and I adore that!

His birth wasnt all happy, unfortunately it triggered my husband over the edge in mental illness. His first year of life was pure hell for our family as mental illness tends to be, I will explain that in detail later. The important thing to know about Caleb though is he is the most resilient, positive kid. He is the light of my life, I wouldn’t have made it through without him. One of my favorite things about Caleb is his speech. I dont know how to explain it, he clearly had some sort of delay and continues to work with speech therapists. I find it to be the most adorable, endearing thing. One day he will talk right and I will be a little sad. I love him just the way he is.

He suffers greatly from sensory processing disorder. It is a part of every second of every day of our lives. Noise bothers him, clothes bother him,tags bother him, socks bother him, pillows and sheets bother him, every kind of shoes you can think of bothers him. Hes extra sensitive to smells, heat, cold. Hes an extremely picky eater. He gets car sick every car ride and doesn’t enjoy any motion like others kids do, amusement park rides, swings, etc. Yes it is as heart breaking as it sounds. 

He is enrolled in the bright beginnings program and it has helped a great deal. If only I could take it all away for him, so he could enjoy life freely, with not a care in the world like the other kids. Dont worry about sweet Caleb though, nothing can get him down. He will do big things in life, and he will bring everyone he comes in contact with great joy as he goes. Thank you Caleb for being exsactly who you are and loving me so deeply and unconditionally. You will always be mamas boy.

Introductions (First born)

 

How do you share the story of your first born, how do you express the depths of the love in words. I know for a good 3 years after I had Malachi I had such powerful emotion towards him that every single time I thought about him or talked about him I cried. He was a huge surprise so im just gonna be honest and admit that. I remember calling my best friend before telling my then boyfriend, “Ive had 3 positive pregnancy tests, im scared to tell him, what if he leaves me.” Long story short he didnt leave me. But boy oh boy did life turn upside down fast. My sweet Malachi was born at 32 weeks. We dont know why and ive finally come to terms with the fact that we will never know why and it wasnt my fault. That was a guilt that tore my up inside daily until I realized that. He was only 4 lbs, couldn’t even breathe on his own and was immediately admitted in the NICU. Boy oh boy the NICU will really make or break you wont it? We spent 3 long weeks there. I spent every second I was allowed with Malachi, I remember there were two hours a day they were closed for shift change. That is when I ate, showered, and took power naps. The love is was so powerful, it took my breath away. My whole mission in life was to protect this baby. I quit college while in the NICU. My marriage was tested for thr very first time in the NICU. My husband dealt with the stress in a way that broke me, thank goodness I didnt find out until after we got out of the NICU. He wasnt there for me in a time I ever so desperately needed him, yet I suppose he did what he had to do. That was the first of many times I chose to stand by my man and decided marriage vows mean something.

Malachi is a fighter, strong, strong survivor. Kicked the NICUs butt. Of course we came home to find out the trailer we lived in had been over taken by mold while we were away due to cheap old windows not sealed properly. The mold destroyed EVERYTHING. That was the first of a few times we had to move in with justins parents. When I say we know poverty and homelessness I mean it. Malachi was the light of my life through it all. He gave me purpose, its like I wasnt really living before him. He was always happy, nothing ever bothered him. His twos were far from terrible, threes are really the tricky times. Four is a dream. Age 4 is your prize for Surviving ages 2 and 3.

I tried home schooling him. I wanted that desperately and he did too as he suffered/suffers from anxiety. I failed. I dont make decisions for my children based on what I want, no matter how bad it kills me. I make decisions based on whats best for them only when I absolutely have to, but most often I believe in letting them make there own decisions in life. There came a point where home schooling wasnt working for either of us and off he went to kindergarten at 6 years old. He thrived. Life hit him hard again this year when he was diagnosed with “baby bipolar” or oppositional defience disorder and mood disregulation disorder. This has been as earth shattering as it sounds. It is a struggle every second of every day and a huge part of our life. Its impossible to be candid, open and honest about my family without sharing all of it. And I absolutely loathe the stigma on mental health and think its imperative that we talk about it.

Malachi is still the love of my life. He is thoughtful, protective, brave, caring, sweet, sensitive, smart. He keeps life interesting. Hes the love of my life. Hes an inspiration to me daily. Im quite sure he will never even fathom the depths of my love for him.

I love him so much it hurts, in so many ways. Like really hurts. Parenting is no joke yall. But its as they say, the days are long but the years are short. Hes starting first grade in a couple weeks. How did this happen?? I did ask him to stop growing up today, he said he would.

Hell fire and brimstone

Pretty sure ive heard that somewhere before. Thats what happened when I became an atheist. Kidding. Nothing happened and thats what my first blog is about. I didnt research, seek out, or even choose atheism its just something that happened to me. Same way I didnt choose poverty, mood and mental disorders, post pardum depression, sensory needs, or even parenthood. (All things I will discuss often in this blog. Although thats all still only a tiny part of my life and makes this blog sound very depressing and I promise you it will not be.) These things choose me for whatever reason. They make me and my family who we are and although theres so much more to us these things do shape us and I refuse to be ashamed.  I thought it would be this huge life changing event but it wasnt even close. I think its because were brainwashed to be so fearful of becoming nonbelievers and being damned to eternal hell. Juries still out as to whether or not thats the end result. Again, kidding. But I just want to say I think religion or lack there of is as okay to question and explore as anything else is. I cant pinpoint an exsact moment when I stopped believing. I know theres been a series of traumatic and unfortunate life events that probably paved the way. It hasnt changed anything. Good things still happen to us. Bad things still happen to us. Some days are happy, some days are sad, some days are hard, some days are harder, just as it always was. I still do the right thing. I still parent the exsact same way. I love and accept everything and everyone far more then ever before and thats refreshing and feels good. I dont let such petty things work me up and I am no longer obsessed with sin. Im overall less judgementental, more positive, and more free then ever. It feels good. Its something pretty new for us. I havent had any huge life changing discussion with my kids, truth is, I have no idea how. I dont want to effect their decision and right to free thinking in religion and what to believe or not believe any more then I dont want to sway them in anything in life. I happen to think there are much more important things in this life for me to model and teach them about. Such as compassion, empathy, acceptance. This is my first time discussing any of this “out loud” I have no idea why its so terrifying but I feel like it just may help others. You can believe or not believe anything you want in this life. The decision is yours.