Ive been feeling the strongest urge to write about parenting through anxiety thinking it would be healing to me and helpful to others. But writing about anxiety, gives me anxiety. My spells with anxiety seem to come and go in waves. Not to say sometimes I dont have it at all. But sometimes its tolerable and sometimes its unbearable. It is pretty much exclusively based around my kids. I can explain it as feeling like I cant breathe, cant sleep. This feeling of a block, cant do or handle certain things because the anxiety is just that strong. Its a very difficult thing to describe. The severity and how deeply it effects every day life. The best thing I can do is try to give some actual examples of how my mind works and what typical everyday scenarios are like for me. Truly seperating from my kids is a big one. I cry every morning I send my oldest to school and next week my 4 year old starts and that feels unbearable due to the worries, fears, and anxieties I have.
Its hard enough for me to send them to school, my anxiety plays out like this, school is a very dangerous place. Theres school shootings every 5 seconds, molesters, rapists, kidnappers. Kids being stolen and sold are slaves, sex slaves. This doesnt just happen in foreign counties, this happens in all of our cities. Bullies who force kids into killing themselves daily. Kids are horrible and mean to each other. They torture eachother all day everyday and no one does anything to stop it and kids dont come home and tell their parents so nothing ever gets resolved and things always end badly. There are people, real actual people in this world, bad people, tons of them who will grab a kid and force them to live in a dog crate or a shed. There are cults, there are corrupt teachers, principles, cops. The world is a bad place. Its no place for kids. There is nothing I can do to keep them safe enough. Yet, I send them to school, despite all this, because I have too.
Then they are expected to ride the school bus because we are a one car family and my husband works mornings. The wave of anxiety over the school bus is where it becomes almost unbareable. I literally have not slept in a week because of anxiety over the school bus. The number of things that are unsafe and or can go wrong on a school bus are endless. There is one driver, who is clearly busy driving, and a bus full of kids, not in seat belts and left to there own devices. As a result kids take advantage of the situation and get in horrific fights on the school bus, tons of fights, abuse physical, mental, emotional, psychological. This is a place where no one can stop them and no one can hear them. This is a place where no one hears the victims plea. And when and if anyone ever finds out about any bad incident its too late. This is the stuff you see on the internet all day everyday of a school bus video of a little girl being held down and molested in the back row. Or kids crowding around blocking and covering for the small kid whos being badly beaten. If the kids arent an issue then youve got underpaid underappreiciated bus drivers who are often disgruntled, angry, tired. Things they take out on children and they are often bullies themselves. Ive heard plenty of stories of bus drivers falling asleep on the road, bus drivers texting and driving, getting in careless accidents. Bus drivers driving far to fast, being completely careless and reckless getting in accidents with a bunch of little children who are not in car seats, boosters, or even seat belts. I could go on for hours about my fears and concerns over schools and the bus. Then my neighborhood takes it to a whole new level. My bus stop is literally located outside my neighborhood, on a busy main highway where cars drive 55+ miles an hour. Can you imagine what a scenario like this does to an anxious mind. There is one small strip of grass between my precious babies and that highway. Accidents happen, all day, every day. People text and drive, facebook, snapchat, and drive and one wrong swerve, one millisecond of a mistake and kids on that bus stop are dead. People drink and drive, people are overly exsauted and drive, theres bad weather such as rain, flooding, ice, snow, black ice that affects roads and could cause a driver to run into this group of kids. It is so incredibly unsafe and my problem with this world is no one cares. Not the right people anyway, no one in charge that can do anything about it. There are plenty of parents in my boat who are concerned and frustrated but no one hears them. The only time this world comes to action is when someone dies. If a kid dies on that bus stop things will change in a heart beat and changes will be made instantly. But until something bad happens, nothing changes and thats where I call bullshit on this whole fucked up world and say we shouldn’t wait until its too late. The bus stop is 3 tenths of a mile from my house. May not sound like a lot but when you have a baby, a 4 year old, a 6 year old, 2 heavy backpacks, 2 heavy lunches, you get the idea. Its an especially unbareable walk in the extreme heat, or harshly cold winter days. Im not the only parent with this problem and some parents have worse problems, like this one, they have to work. So they have to send there kid off to walk 3 tenths of a mile where god only knows what could happen. They could be abducted, beat up, picked on, molested, held hostage, robbed, kidnapped, raped. They could very easily be hit by a car, they could fall and break a bone and it would be a long time before help would come. Again, I could go on all day about the things that could go wrong on this long walk.
Im sorry, im done writing this cuz I cant even handle facing or voicing my own thoughts anymore. But if at least everyone gets a 100% honest glimpse into the anxious mind. To know they are not alone. To know someone can relate and understand. Maybe a friend or family member of a person with anxiety will read this and finally understand and be more able to sympathize and help. That would make it all worth it. I dont have any helpful tips for living or parenting with anxiety except this, GET HELP, REACH OUT. DONT IGNORE IT, IT WONT GO AWAY, IT WONT GET BETTER OVERTIME. Not only help from professionals although thats needed, medicine, and therapy. These things are crucial! Also help from family, friends, in laws, neighbors, anything. Dont go through it alone. Keep saying it until you get the help and support you need, people may not get it right away. Keep speaking up until you are heard. Anxiety is so incredibly draining, exsauting, painful. You need days off, help with kids, rest when your overwhelmed, catch up on sleep, treat yourself. Do what makes your soul happy. Find what brings you peace. Take time for the things you enjoy. These things are necessary for survival please hear me on this. Please hear me when I say, YOU CAN DO THIS. IT WILL GET BETTER. I KNOW YOU ARE DOING YOUR BEST AND YOU ARE DOING GREAT. YOU ARE NOT ALONE IN THIS.
This world truly is a scarey place, you see that all day everyday on news, on internet. Where the line is drawn between these fears are legitimate and these are things that really happen that my kids need protection from and thats my anxiety taking over is the ultimate struggle for me. Learning, trying, fighting through everyday. Doing my best, its all we can do afterall. Hoping my story will help others.