How do you share the story of your first born, how do you express the depths of the love in words. I know for a good 3 years after I had Malachi I had such powerful emotion towards him that every single time I thought about him or talked about him I cried. He was a huge surprise so im just gonna be honest and admit that. I remember calling my best friend before telling my then boyfriend, “Ive had 3 positive pregnancy tests, im scared to tell him, what if he leaves me.” Long story short he didnt leave me. But boy oh boy did life turn upside down fast. My sweet Malachi was born at 32 weeks. We dont know why and ive finally come to terms with the fact that we will never know why and it wasnt my fault. That was a guilt that tore my up inside daily until I realized that. He was only 4 lbs, couldn’t even breathe on his own and was immediately admitted in the NICU. Boy oh boy the NICU will really make or break you wont it? We spent 3 long weeks there. I spent every second I was allowed with Malachi, I remember there were two hours a day they were closed for shift change. That is when I ate, showered, and took power naps. The love is was so powerful, it took my breath away. My whole mission in life was to protect this baby. I quit college while in the NICU. My marriage was tested for thr very first time in the NICU. My husband dealt with the stress in a way that broke me, thank goodness I didnt find out until after we got out of the NICU. He wasnt there for me in a time I ever so desperately needed him, yet I suppose he did what he had to do. That was the first of many times I chose to stand by my man and decided marriage vows mean something.
Malachi is a fighter, strong, strong survivor. Kicked the NICUs butt. Of course we came home to find out the trailer we lived in had been over taken by mold while we were away due to cheap old windows not sealed properly. The mold destroyed EVERYTHING. That was the first of a few times we had to move in with justins parents. When I say we know poverty and homelessness I mean it. Malachi was the light of my life through it all. He gave me purpose, its like I wasnt really living before him. He was always happy, nothing ever bothered him. His twos were far from terrible, threes are really the tricky times. Four is a dream. Age 4 is your prize for Surviving ages 2 and 3.
I tried home schooling him. I wanted that desperately and he did too as he suffered/suffers from anxiety. I failed. I dont make decisions for my children based on what I want, no matter how bad it kills me. I make decisions based on whats best for them only when I absolutely have to, but most often I believe in letting them make there own decisions in life. There came a point where home schooling wasnt working for either of us and off he went to kindergarten at 6 years old. He thrived. Life hit him hard again this year when he was diagnosed with “baby bipolar” or oppositional defience disorder and mood disregulation disorder. This has been as earth shattering as it sounds. It is a struggle every second of every day and a huge part of our life. Its impossible to be candid, open and honest about my family without sharing all of it. And I absolutely loathe the stigma on mental health and think its imperative that we talk about it.
Malachi is still the love of my life. He is thoughtful, protective, brave, caring, sweet, sensitive, smart. He keeps life interesting. Hes the love of my life. Hes an inspiration to me daily. Im quite sure he will never even fathom the depths of my love for him.
I love him so much it hurts, in so many ways. Like really hurts. Parenting is no joke yall. But its as they say, the days are long but the years are short. Hes starting first grade in a couple weeks. How did this happen?? I did ask him to stop growing up today, he said he would.